Thursday, June 29, 2017

6/28/2017 • She's Gone (Lindsay)

June 28, 2017 • She’s Gone (Lindsay) The last time I talked to Lindsay, the first woman I had sex with when we first opened our marriage, was back in December of 2016. She called me while I was on vacation in Disney World to ask for a favor to put in a good word for a friend who was looking for a job. We talked on the phone and texted a bit. It was so nice to hear her voice again. Then things got busy and we didn’t get a chance to speak for a few months. That’s happened before, but we always pick up where we left off. I texted her to say Happy Easter and let her know I was thinking about her. Then texted her a few weeks later to tell her Happy Birthday. No response to either. Today, while visiting my home town, I met up with a mutual friend and found out why: she passed away a couple of months ago… just before either of those messages were sent to her. She never got them. That leaves me feeling strangely incomplete knowing she never saw the last words I sent to her. I really cared for her. She was a great friend to me. There were some crush feelings. And she was my first polyamorous partner. It’s a loss to me. I don’t have many actual friends so losing one is losing the world. I walked around the airport today in Atlanta on the way home trying not to let the tears come. They did though I maintained my composure. I’m having a really tough time with “never again”. Never again will I hear her voice. Never again will we flirt back and forth on text message. Never again will I see her smile or hear her laugh or pull her into an embrace. Never again will we share a meal…. or our lips…. or our bodies… she’s gone. And I’m sad. And a piece of me is empty where our friendship lived. My wife is very supportive and for that I am very grateful. I’m not ready to close a chapter of my life that I always believed could be revisited. I’ll miss you, my Lindsay. I’ll never forget our time together. I’ll always cherish our friendship and there will always be a home for you here in my heart. Perhaps someday we will see each other again in a dream. Until then, my heart is cracked.
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