August 3, 2016 - Posted from home
Last night I had another dream about you. You were pregnant and quite far along. We were in the master bedroom of at your house, alone at first. You asked me if I wanted to feel the baby kick. I told you I would love to. I told myself I would love any reason to touch you. I miss touching you. There are no opportunities these days. You just never have a reason to stay over with us like you used to. I miss you.
Anyway, just as you were about to let me touch your pregnant tummy, Bryan walked in the room and you decided to let him feel first since he is the father and no one had felt yet. You wouldn't let him feel until he called the baby by her name. Her. You are having a baby girl. He was reluctant at first. He thought it was stupid and it was obvious he wanted no part of this pregnancy or the baby. It was sad to see. But eventually he mumbled a name. I couldn't make out the first name or whatever he said at first, but the name I did hear was Eleanor. I'm not sure if that was a middle name and he mumbled the first or if he said something else before he said her first name. I didn't ask. He let you put his hand on your stomach. He pulled it away after just a second and walked out of the room. He said nothing about it. I'm not sure if he even felt anything.
I saw the flash of hurt on your face but you quickly recovered and when you looked at me, you were all smiles again. You were your usual self. With your mask you put on for the world. I would love to see behind that mask. I would love to know the real you in a very real way. But I could see the longer you looked at me, the more genuine your smile became. And there was more than just the facade, I could see that now. You were beaming. No, you were glowing with both the "pregnancy" glow people always talk about, your sister has that glow too, but there was more. I also saw the unmistakable glow that only comes from being in love. Of course you're in love, I told myself, you're in love with this new life inside of you.
I was sitting on the edge of your bed and you came over and sat down next to me. Much closer than I thought you would. Closer even than I would have dared to sit even while trying to casually trying not to look like I was trying to sit as close to you as possible. Because I love being close you you. You sat so close, our bodies touched and mine came to life with sensation. There was no space between us; your shoulder rubbed against my arm, your hip pressed against mine, your leg hung off the bed, not reaching the floor, and as you reached for my hand to place it on your stomach, you shifted slightly and your foot wrapped around my calf. It was a casual move but not as practiced as I could have done it. I recognized what you were doing. You were looking me in the eyes, your body against mine, my hand in yours being pulled toward your stomach, and I felt it too. The love wasn't just for your baby, it was also for me. And it wasn't just your baby, I knew, we had our secret but I had no idea until this moment that there was more than the mechanics involved. When you came to me and asked me to have sex with you and we both promised to keep a secret that I was the father, I think mechanics is all it was. But it was a long road and we had sex so many times... Eighty three times, over the the last eighteen months that we were trying in fact. Every other day on your ovulation week as well as a few others when I knew you weren't ovulating, but I wasn't going to say no. And in that time, mechanics blossomed into more for you and to be honest although I was already there, it blossomed in me too.
I was suddenly a mix of emotions. Angry that Bryan treats you the way he does. I wish you could come live with me and your sister and we could just have one big happy family but you are the one person I don't have permission to be with. So you are the one secret I keep. And I am yours. Well, two secrets I suppose: the baby. Our baby. I was alarmed thinking back to how Bryan reacted and I wondered if he suspected it wasn't his. I knew from everything you've shared with me that he was capable of just being that much of an ass so it was hard to say. I don't like that you're with him. You deserve better. But you don't want to be alone just like I don't want to be alone. And you do love him despite his shortcomings. You just deserve better but I get it.
Your sister was in the bathroom with the door open a few feet away putting on her makeup. Ignoring us for the most part and just focused on her task. My hand was on your stomach now. I realized that at some point my arm must have instinctively moved because now it was around you. My other hand was on your shoulder, squeezing lightly with anticipation. Your body was warm. You had lifted your shirt and you held your hand over mine as you pressed it against your stomach. And almost instantly we felt the flutter inside of you. You giggled. I gasped. And we looked into each other's eyes and we're all smiles. You leaned forward and despite your sister being right there, you stole a kiss. She didn't see. You whispered to me that you were sorry for offering to let him feel first but he walked in at the wrong time. We both knew we had to keep up the charade. I wasn't upset by it... Especially not now, knowing there are feelings here and using me for my sperm had become much more than just that. But I was very happy when you said nothing bad happened when he touched her. It was in the wrong space to begin with and not long enough in any case because the baby didn't respond. But you pointed out that the baby knows who her daddy is. She kicked and moved around as soon as my hand touched you. You were looking me in the eyes and biting your lip. Your sister had looked over and commented, luckily with a smile, "well don't you two look cozy?" We both jumped up in an obvious gesture of two children who had been caught at something and we're trying to hide it. She laughed and said, "do you really think I don't know what you two have been up to?" I froze. You froze. We weren't ready for this.
She walked up to me and kissed me. And smiled. Her arms were around my neck and she told me to relax. Then she looked over at you and said, "Thank you. This has been the best year and a half of our marriage. He's been wonderful and I know part of that comes from you two little love birds." Then she looked at me again and said, "You're a lucky man. You have two women who love you very much. Two women who care about you and who are thankful we each bring you happiness in our own ways. I'm not mad. I love the you this has brought. It was hard at first, but I'm grateful for what it's brought out of you and what it's meant for our marriage. And two sisters. That had to be on your list right? Dirty old man", she teased with a smile. "Your little girl is going to grow up with her little half brother who also is her little cousin," you said laughing, "perfect for moving to the south... Oh wait you don't know.... we have our secrets too. She's leaving him. Moving with us. We will all be the happy family you've fantasized about so many times. What? You don't think we've read your blog? You have no secrets from me, sweetie."
And I looked at her and I looked at you and I was in heaven. And as it always happens, that is when I woke up.