Wednesday, October 7, 2015

10/07/2015 Perspective


So. Something just occurred to me. And it's kind of sad. 

I'm so moved by people who can love their life how they choose to. Whatever they feel... I'm talking about the ones who own it... the ones who have to be brave to stand up for themselves... the ones who barely struggled to even take the first step... and even those who have it relatively easy in comparison. 

There are so many ways I wish I could be me. Part of the problem is I don't handle rejection well. I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Even admitting that on here is a huge step that sadly required a lot of courage as this has been my safe haven where I can put whatever I want out there. Well, now I want to put "me" out there a little more as I can. So BPD... huge hurdle. Another hurdle is that who I am doesn't always seem to mesh well with who I am. I don't have multiple personalities or anything.... at least not in the clinical sense that normally comes to mind. But I do seem to experience multiple perspectives and I find that those perspectives often clash. I'll get stuck in one or another for a while until it eventually switches and it feels like different personalities. Switching is very hard on me emotionally. I truly feel like I don't know who I am. Which is a part of BPD. It's hard to come out as who you are when the different versions of you don't agree with each other and you don't even know which one is real... or which one is next.

But here is why I have realized. There are loads of people coming out these days and facing huge hurdles. Socially... Legally... Morally...

Gay folks fighting for the right to marriage. 
Poly folk wanting their right to it too. 
Ace and Bi folks struggling to be acknowledged as a real anything.

And then there are the ones that I think have it the hardest. Men who feel like they are women inside and women who feel like they are men inside. To the point that they want to switch and be who they feel they are. Some actually undergo surgery. 

And here I am. I can't even motivate myself to the point where I can lose fifteen pounds and other people are getting belittled. And bullied. And changing their sexual genders to reach their goals. And it's time for me to look harder at me and do something too. The weight is a good small first hurdle to start with but ultimately, there's a larger perspective overshadowing the little things like that.... my BPD... my identity... my sexuality and gender expression... Just so many things I need to spend time on. 

This was way longer than I realized it would be. If you're one of the groups I mentioned... bravo. You're my hero. My inspiration. My hope. My motivation. Some days you are all that gives me ground to stand on. 

And today, you've given me perspective. Thank you. I love you all.

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