Saturday, January 31, 2015

January 31, 2015 • BPD Dream (Erin)

January 31, 2015 • Kimball, TN HIS218

We are on our way back home from Disney World. We had a fight a couple of days ago and while I think Erin is mostly over it, the residual effects are still lingering and swirling around in my head. 

I've almost always tried to put forth the best side of us on this blog. Mostly that is for my own benefit because it's the part I want to hang on to. Perhaps I'll go back and reflect and include some of the rest of the story. In a nutshell, I'm broken. I feel like I'm several different pieces and I can't seem to figure out how to fit them all together. Not so much like seperate personalities in the multiple personalities sense but very much like overlapping mindsets. There is a lot of confusion in my head. Competition. Noise. Not good at all for an introvert. I'm very often in a state of imbalance trying to figure out who I am. Am I monogamous? Polyamorous? Just a cheater? Curious? Gay? Bisexual? Worthless? I'm hoping blogging will help me sort it out a little. I'm very convinced that I may have Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm trying to learn as much as I can about it and at the same time trying to convince myself to see someone for it. Of course, I'm scared though. Scared of the change it may bring, even the good. It makes no sense. 

Last night, I woke up at 4am shivering. The hotel room is at 71°. I was literally shaking. My teeth were clattering. I tried it up to 73° and got back in bed. I laid there for an hour still cold. I got up and turned the thermostat in both rooms to 75°. Eventually I fell asleep again. I woke up around 6:15am a little too warm and now cannot get back to sleep at all. 

In the period of sleep between, I had a dream. Erin and I were out shopping for large pads of paper. Something for the kids to draw on. The store clerk, a little on the heavy and unkempt side, was trying to sell us a pad of speciality paper for $49.99. It was mostly colorful and would not have made good drawing paper at all. I looked up the same on Amazon and told my wife and the clerk that it probably would not work but if we did get it, I would order it from Amazon because it was $34.99. The store clerk have me a very dirty look and was trying to convince me that I should buy from him because he is local. I argued that I usually do but a $15 up charge for te exact same item was a lot. I pointed out that the difference was probably about 45% more than it should be. I checker my exact math now that I'm awake and it's 42.9%. Not a bad estimate for being asleep. Sleep math... Well I'm good at something. 

The argument degenerated and became a debate. In the middle of all of this, Erin threw her hands up and told the clerk we are leaving. She was clearly embarrassed and frustrated and for the first time I think I really saw what she sees when I get that way. I felt horrible. As we headed out of the store, our puppy peed in the wagon we had apparently brought her in. We'd just picked her up from her mothers house and she complained that I obviously didn't walk her well enough. The clerk was laughing at me. I snapped at him andne laughed at me even more. So I deduced which car was his and dumped the wagon full of dog pee all over the front of it. Then got in my car, alone, and started to go. It was a very high end luxury convertible and the way it was parallel parked, I could not easily get out. The engine had an off-sound that I thought wasn't right for such a high end car. As Erin was approaching to get in, happy with what I had done to his car, I woke up. 

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