Friday, February 14, 2014

02/14/2014 Stop, Drop, and Roll

02-14-2014 Stop, Drop, & Roll

#2014 #Thirties #Arizona
#Erin #Jennifer
#BreakUp #Divorce #Fight #Girlfriend #Fitness #Love #Polyamory

Written February 14, 2014 at home (Arizona)

These past few months have made me feel as though I have been in turmoil… not sure of who I am or what I want. I’ve been filled with feelings of rejection and loneliness. But I feel that things are finally coming back around.

Back in December, when Jennifer broke up with me, I ran to Erin for comfort and support. She had just recently told me that she’d finally fallen in love with me. She was having those crush feelings and, with them, regret that she was too late and I was now not only hers. I felt tremendously guilty because I knew I was hurting her with the poly stuff, though she still pushed me to do it. She never let up on that, but sharing me was hard on her. Running to her for support when Jennifer hurt me was what she needed to close the loop on her feelings of jealousy. I was, ironically, pulling solely to her at the same time while she suddenly needed me to be poly. It added dimension and excitement to our life. A life that became boring for her as a stay at home mom with nothing else to do. She was living vicariously through me. I needed it to be just us again. It was a recipe for disaster.

On December 16, Jennifer called me to break things off. I was supposed to have seen her the following day and she knew if she saw me, then breaking up would be harder to do. By Christmas, Erin and I were fighting. A lot. Christmas Day was hard. We fought. Talked about divorce. Again on our Anniversary. It was a lot of bouncing back and forth between thoughts of separation and suicide to hope and forgiveness. By the day after our Anniversary, less than a week ago, we worked through a lot of it and things have been good. Great, actually. And I hope they can stay that way. 

For her part, much of the fighting and ill feelings were smallish things that grew into monsters when her hormones took over. Not her fault at all. For my part, I am overly sensitive and far too empathetic and I just seem to soak up her moods, good and bad. And so her foul mood would eventually become my foul mood and we fought. Also not my fault either. We are the way we are and we choose to love each other despite these issues. But we are both working on our parts.

The past few days, I’ve felt better. Where I couldn’t even handle the suggestion of other people… polyamory… because I was so desperately clinging to her as my one and only, now the edge has been taken off of that. I still am not in a place where I want to necessarily pursue that, but I think I am getting to a place where I am not paralyzed by it. I am coming to realize that I am deeply flawed emotionally and I have come to her to fix me over the years. Every little emotional ache and pain has been hers to deal with. And while the notion is romantic, that’s a lot to ask of someone. An impossible lot to ask of them.

So my plan now is to really work on me. It is time to stop, drop, and roll so to speak. 

Stop feeling sorry for myself. Stop hating myself. Stop thinking I am unloved. Stop allowing suicide to be an option looming in the back of my mind.

Drop the blame game. Everything is not someone else’s fault. Drop the excuses. Drop the manipulating games to get people to feel sorry for me or to save me.

Roll with life - good stuff is going to happen and bad stuff is going to happen. Roll with trust - Erin says she loves me, I should believe her. Roll with who I am - I have worth and I don’t need to justify it. It’s ok to have faults and to be real and to have bad days and even to be broken once in a while.

Part of that will mean writing more. It helps me. It clears my head to get these things out. Written down where I can think about them and make sense of them. Part of that will be … well, it might be better to make a list. I am a list person.

  1. Journal More - Writing it down helps. Getting it out helps.
  2. Re-start the blog. I don’t have real friends so this is a way to connect to others.
  3. Work on finding a real friend. I need it despite my shyness and introversion.
  4. Fitness - I could stand to lose 15 pounds. I will feel better about myself. I need to.
  5. Health - Get back to a healthier organic diet. We’ve been cheating too much and I have a feeling it isn’t helping on a hormonal level - for either of us.
  6. Read - Incorporating other people’s positive ideas is a way to feel connected to something bigger than myself. It’s a way to refresh my stale and often negative and counterproductive views of myself and the world.
  7. Work on my relationship with Erin and the kids. We have some repairing to do.
  8. Dig deep. Take time to be alone and reflect. I really need to get to know myself better. And learn to love and accept who I am as I am. Then I can work on improving the things about me that may need polish and repair.
  9. Get organized and in a routine. I need more routine sleep and a more routine work schedule.
  10. Get out of debt and stay out. This is a major source of anxiety and stress for me. It exacerbates everything else to the nth degree.
So that’s my plan anyway. We will see what happens. Journaling and blogging will help keep me accountable to staying with it. More to come on that.

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