Friday, February 14, 2014

02-14-2014 Lynn’s Engagement

02-14-2014 Lynn’s Engagement

#2014 #Thirties #Arizona
#Erin #Lynn #Rob
#Crush #Engagement #Family #Jealousy #SisterInLaw

Written February 14, 2014 at home (Arizona)

Yesterday, Erin showed me a video that Lynn’s boyfriend had made and posted to YouTube. She was asleep when he made the video and apparently sent it to her while she was sleeping. He went on about needing to work on a bunch of things and how wonderful of a person she is to everyone in her life and then he asked her to marry him and told her he’d be pretending to sleep next to her and had something for her when she woke up and saw the video.

It was a sweet gesture. Of course, she said yes. I am very happy for her and I hope she is making the right choice and is happy in life with her husband to be.

I am admittedly a bit jealous. Erin thinks his proposal was sweet and clever where I asked her to marry me in my apartment. We are both shy and quiet people so I knew the typical over the top proposal, drawing attention to us, was not the way to go. I’d originally had a plan to ask her in a park, near a waterfall when we were hiking, but she was still infatuated with Rob and I could tell. I hinted at the prospect of marriage and her response indicated to me that she wasn’t there yet. She was still holding out hope for a life with him. 

I had thought of a hundred different ways to propose and ultimately, I thought that in our own private space would be the right place to do it. I think it was. But maybe I could still have been more romantic… more clever… more memorable in the approach. So a part of me is jealous that I wasn’t as clever or memorable. And a part of me is also jealous that Lynn is getting married. While I know nothing ever would have or could have come of anything, I did have a crush on her and admittedly still do to a degree even though she’s hurt my feelings tremendously in the recent past. She never texts me anymore. We used to talk all the time on text and were good friends. I was her confidante when she was trying to find a boyfriend and when guys would ultimately break her heart. She was in many ways like a sister to me. 

She used to travel with Erin and me all over the place on vacation and we were three peas in a pod for a long time. All of that seemed to have stopped after the big fight I had with her mother at Christmas a few years ago… while standing up for Erin when her mother was being a bit ridiculous to her. So I feel like I lost a friend and I lost the sister part of things. Erin pointed out that maybe she was aware or remembered the things I had done to her sister while she was sleeping. The touching. The kissing. Erin suggested maybe she was aware of it and that was why I had lost that relationship. Maybe so. It was a stupid move that could have cost me my wife and my marriage and everything that makes me happy and it very possibly did cost me one of the only friendships I’ve had in my adult life. The rejection did go a long way to dampening the crush feelings I had for her, but some of that will probably always be there. Though each little step away from the impossible-anyway possibility is a step toward things being the way they should. And I do think that is for the best in so many ways. I do miss having the friendship and feeling like I have someone who was more a sister than a sister in law. Maybe it was all in my head from the start.

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