Saturday, January 12, 2013

01/12/13 • Looking Back

January 12, 2012 • Posted from home

A response I made to another couple's post on a mixed orientation marriage group I am in. I thought I would share it here as well.

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I am bisexual. My wife is straight but is trying to understand her own sexuality and believes she may be asexual. We've been together since she was in eight grade and I was in highschool (minus a two year break between our graduations).

I decided in November 2010 to tell her the truth about my bisexuality and infidelity. She knew early on that I'd had same sex experiences with my cousin (Robbie) as a young child (eight). She chalked it up to curious boys. After my admissions in November 2010, she knew I also had same sex experiences with a few neighbor boys (Keith, Donnie - who she knew as we grew up on the same street) and wi my high school best friend (who she also knew). She learned I had talked to men online, experimented over webcam, and met one guy (Hank) to trade blow jobs about 8 years after we were married. She learned I had a crush on her sister (which she already suspected) and that I had once kissed her sister (Lynn) and done some other things with her (sexual but not sex). She learned I had an online affair with a married woman (Marlyn) in an MMO I used to play, which included cyber and phone sex. She learned I nearly had an affair with a co-worker (Becki) and that I had fooled around (just touching with clothes on) with another (Another woman named Erin). I told her I identified as at least heteroflexible and probably bisexual. Ironically, it was the last part that she had the hardest time with. Still does to a degree.

Since I was opening up, she did too. I learned that she had sex with her former next door neighbor (Rob) just eight months after we'd married. All dressed up, after spending the evening with me at a wedding. She was hoping to attract him again by being all done up (they had sex before we were married- she was a fuck buddy to him, she had sex with him hoping for more). They had sex, or tried to as apparently he could not stay erect... and she admitted she would have probably left me if he would have wanted a relationship with her even at that point.

The things I did were wrong, but I had never conceived of leaving her. It devastated me that she would have left me far more than that she met him for sex. I was completely messed up for six months and struggled for another six after that. It was around the one year anniversary that I realized she was still with me. She did love me. It was in the past. In the mean time, I had become obsessed with knowing the details... even of when she was with him during our break. I pictured them in my head over and over. It was very hard. After she left me the first time, when I graduated high school, partly because I reacted poorly to my parents divorce and was a jerk to her and partly because she had developed a crush on this same neighbor (Rob), I attempted suicide and failed. This brought all of those feelings back, but I didn't try to do anything stupid this time.

I love her. I've had a crush on her since third grade. She is all I have ever wanted. Between my attraction to men (sexual attraction more so than emotional or physical) and my very high sex drive that was incompatible with her very low sex drive, I let myself make poor choices and I was not faithful to her. She had an emotional attachment to her old neighbor and she made poor choices to.

We decided that we loved each other and that was worth fighting for. We discussed that logically, we could divorce and meet someone else who would possibly cheat as well and then we'd have gained nothing. It happens. It sucks but it's life. So we stayed together because we decided all the good things were not worth losing just because we made mistakes that so many other people make too and then give up.

To help deal with the incompatibility of our sex drives, she pushed for an open marriage. She has no interest in opening her side but she gave me permission to have sex with others, men or women, though she very much prefers it to be women (she is a little bit homophobic is some ways... And is working so hard to overcome that position... It's been a mild challenge for us). After a LOT of encouraging, she convinced me to meet with a former co-worker (Lindsay) who had a crush on me. We stayed the night in a hotel after dinner (my wife was at home). It was a one time thing because we moved across the country but I still communicate with her. She's encouraged me to find someone new here.

We each go back and forth on whether or not we want an open marriage. I very much want to be with another guy again but I am afraid of disease and shy in general. Sometimes we are turned on by the idea of another person being involved... That first time really brought my wife and I closer together. Sometimes we want it to be just us again. She does still want me to have my sexual needs met and she doesn't want sex nearly as much as I do. When we do have sex it is amazing. Amazing. No one compares to her. Some of that is just that I know her body and there is a comfort there. Some of it is that there is an emotional component that I just have never felt with anyone else. With others it is literally just sex. So we still, even two years later struggle with where to go and what to do, but it's an easier struggle. If it makes any sense, it is a struggle without conflict. It's not the "oh no what will we do" kind of thing anymore. Now it's entirely a comfortable "what do we want to do" kind of thing.

We've had knock down drag out fights. I've yelled at her. She's yelled at and hit me (it's fine, I told her to let it out and she doesn't hit hard :P) The word divorce has come up, though its always heat of the moment. We both know we aren't going anywhere. We make up within hours and all is fine.

I am happier now that we've opened up our pasts and compromised. First, I cannot bear that she held that secret as a burden all those years. Second, now she knows me. Me. And I her. And though we've been together almost 22 years and married almost fifteen, I feel like our marriage really started just two years ago. We have no secrets now. If I could do it all over, I would make different decisions and not put us in this position, but absent that, knowing I have, I would still open that door of honesty again if I had to go back two years ago. As strange as this sounds, part of me is happy she cheated. She wanted something. She needed something I was not giving her at the time. She deserved to explore a path that might make her happier. She is doing the same for me now. I am happier now and so is she.

Jealousy and trust were our hurdles. We are so much stronger having gone through that together. And though it was painful, I would not trade what we have now for anything.

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